"Last Hope"

California just got put on lockdown, possibly the mobile national guard, and all. No one knows what "and all" means at this point. It really could be the end of the world. It seems like a plague God has bestowed upon us. No, not necessarily him, but that it is simply the end times. I'm blessed beyond belief to get paid during this time. 

What am I doing? No one is going to read this. I am still worried about what other people think! Why do you care? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I've always wanted to play piano or any instrument. The knowledge on how to play something - to make noise - beautiful noise at any moment. What an art! Except, I love tangible things like fibers, pieces, papers, things that I can touch and feel. 

I feel like this is creed thoughts blog. 

Fuck.

I want to find myself so badly...to know who I am and be proud of it! That journey is so difficult and exhausting. It's like I've been treading water for the past two years. I lived in the cusp of what self care was all about. It was completely a new era of therapy and mental health. I always feel like I'm at the beginning of trends. Especially with clothes and fashion!

I'm so sick of me! I'm so fucking annoying and needy! Talk about dependent! I absolutely hate that. I hate that I'm sitting here bored with myself. I hate hanging out with me. She sucks. 

Who am I?

This is more like a mental breakdown post. 

Whatever. Let's start being honest. 

I want to be called Hazel. I need something separate from myself. But Hazel is what we were going to call our daughter. We just kinda decided one day to not have kids. I am not completely okay with that idea. It makes me really sad. 

Fostering has to happen though. 

Hazel probably isn't a good idea. How about Henrietta? That just keeps coming to mind. 

In therapy, I met the other two parts of myself - little 10 year old me and this older - poised version of me. I'm currently raising and taking care of little me. The older one is just too burnt out to show up. I miss her though. She only comes around ever so often, but man is she great. 

I can't wait to be her and completely her someday. 

I am just a mental mess at the moment. I am in dire need of fixing everything, but there's no possible way it will be that quick. It's just sorta good and bad timing. This quarantined-pandemic business has left me to be isolated even more. 

But bitch shut your mouth because you stopped going places a while ago. You have been cooped up in the house for quite some time. Driving J absolutely crazy. Bless his soul. I have relied on him and only him for support - friendship too. I've missed S badly since she moved away. I'm not vulnerable with anyone anymore. 

I'm not really even vulnerable with Jacob. I am sometimes, but not really. It's not him though. I am just so afraid of not being accepted or liked. It's sickening.  My need for praise and verbal support is pitiful. 

Wow, this is just a hate on Hen isn't it? Well someone needs to say it! It doesn't matter if it's from you; "I don't need no help, I can sabotage me by myself" (Williams). 

Am I really sabotaging if it actually needs to be said? I think no. 

You need to wake up Hen! You have been so freaking selfish! No. Stop. Healing doesn't happen this way. It only puts me in more trouble. I'm so stuck in my own head. It's dark and the walls get smaller everyday. Feels like that figuratively, but also physically. I am sick of being stuck already.

It's funny how I used to want everything to be canceled. Ya know, like CANCELED. 

Now, it's here and I'm like ew! 

I miss my friends. 

I miss my old self. Maybe. 

Would a self help book help? I definitely stopped meditating. Also, this stupid test is hanging over my head again. I'm worried, but not worried. I don't know. I feel like a piece of shit. Who the hell cares though!!!!!

This is not how this is supposed to be used. At least, not how I wanted it to go. I wanted a space to be creative. Be someone else! Or at least talk about myself and my life in a totally new perspective. Perhaps seeing it as privileged? That could make me more thankful? Maybe?

I've been playing with my hair all day because I just washed it. I still make little loops of my hair and brush it against my finger, cheek, or lip. It's a calming technique I've done since I was a kid. Especially when I was scared to sleep alone or I had nightmares. I did it to my moms hair while I was spooning her. My mom was the best wow. 

She still is the best.

I couldn't ever sleep alone. I didn't until after 10 or 11. Even then I had to have the door locked and I had to face the door. I wish I knew what started that fear. 

I figured out when I got insecure! When the facade started to survive on the need to be liked and have friends. Sad. So sad. It's okay little L. I'm taking care of you now. 

I've been so busy taking care of her though, that I've neglected my present self. Well, she's kind of taken over. She's just a lot to handle. It's busy, hard work, and just really messy. 

That's why I can't have kids right now. 1. There's a pandemic (the world will probably end) 2. I am taking care of little me aggressively. I wonder how long I'll have to take care of her. 

She's hurting my marriage and just over well being. However, she is just a child and it's not her fault. She's not the one to blame here. No one is really. I could blame the past? What's the point though? It's about taking care of her now. 

What do you need sweety? I think you've wanted to have fun for a while. You missed that part. All the fun games and memories of elementary school. You haven't connected with others on any of those things other than shows/movies sometimes. Even other homeschoolers I have met - loved homeschooling. They have never related to me either. I don't know anyone that has went through what I have. That would be cool to meet someone. S is close with being in catholic school for a bit and being heavily involved with church. I wish I could live in the city with S and have so much fun with her. 

She is so special! Why am I not jumping on that whole talking to her more? She's my best friend. 

I have so much fear that I over do it when I talk to her. I think back to the first Wisconsin trip. How she literally saved my life (in my terms anyways). I never wanted to overwhelm her again. 

As much as I thought this was silly at the beginning I really do like writing - even in my squirrel moments. It feels good. I am writing with no purpose, no production, for no one, but me. That is special and very new to me! 

My brain literally feels lighter. 

Maybe, I won't be Henrietta, maybe I'll be me.

Is "maybe" my new favorite word? Cool. Cool. 

I totally forgot about Paramore's song "Last Hope." The lyrics fit me PERFECTLY right now. I haven't cried or anything, I just feel emotionally supported and heard. That's cool! 

I have a spark as Hayley Williams would say! I got to keep that spark going! "It's just a spark, but it's enough, to keep me going."

God, you are my spark. Thank you. I'll get there. I have hope.